Resignation

I feel like an idiot. I finally asked out the girl who works at the place I play tennis. She said no. That pretty much sucks. But it wasn't just that she turned me down, it was how she did it. We'd been making a little small talk the last couple of times I'd been there - nothing big, just a few words - but today we struck up a little more of a conversation. She remembered our names without us having to remind her what name the booking was under so I thought that might be a good sign that I was in with a shot.

I waited until after we'd finished playing tennis and then, when returning the key to the court, decided to throw caution to the wind and just do it. I made a throwaway remark about her having worked a long day and then, in a moment that was very un-me, asked her if she had a boyfriend. She replied that she didn't. Since I'd already gone that far, I then asked her if she'd possibly like to go out with me sometime. She hesitated, then laughed at me and said 'no'. I think I detected a little condescension in that no.

Beforehand, I'd figured that the worst that could happen was that she'd say no. I'd even thought that, even if she wasn't interested, she'd at least be flattered that someone had asked her out. What I hadn't counted on was her laughing it off the way she did, as if indicating that I was stupid to have even bothered asking. I think she may have been a little insulted that a guy like me (read into that whatever you like) thought he was in her league. But it's done now and I can't take it back.

I know it's not the end of the world. It's just one moment that didn't go the way I wanted it to. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And not just because in this one instance I put myself out there and got knocked back, but because I really feel like this is how things are always going to go for me. I don't think I deserve better. What bothers me is that I've just given up. I've resigned myself to the idea that I'm not going to get what I want because I'm not worthy of it.

There are plenty of guys out there with girlfriends. I saw some statistics in the newspaper a few days ago stating that fifty-nine percent of people over the age of fifteen are either married or in a de facto relationship. A lot of guys who are less than attractive, guys who are unintelligent, guys who abuse alcohol and drugs, guys who cheat on their partners, can find girlfriends so what is that saying about me? Am I less likeable than the ugliest, stupidest, alcoholic, unfaithful scumbag out there? It feels like it.

And I'm tired of hearing the same platitudes about how one day things will turn around for me and I'll find someone and I'll be so happy... blah blah blah. I know it's advice usually offered with the best of intentions by friends who really do care but it just sounds empty and patronising. Especially if it's coming from someone who has just turned you down when you've asked them out: "You're a really great guy and you'll make someone really happy one day," leaving out the most important part, which is implied: "just so long as that someone isn't me". Sometimes it seems like people only say it because it's the kind thing to do. No-one's ever going to tell you that you're destined for a life of loneliness, even if that's what they really think.