Confusion

Okay, what? That was pretty much my reaction to a text message I received yesterday afternoon. I don’t like that I keep blogging about internet dating – this post being no exception – but what happened to me yesterday was strange enough that it warrants a mention.

I’d been talking to a couple of girls online a few days ago. One was older and a writer, the other was younger and sounded like more outgoing. Both seemed nice. I haven’t spoken to the former since that night but I have spoken to the latter. She seemed pretty interested in me, asking for my phone number and giving me hers. I sent her a text message the next day asking her if she’d meet me for coffee somewhere. Her reply came back that she didn’t want to have coffee; instead, she invited me over to her place to watch some TV and a movie. I was a little surprised that she’d invite me back to her house before we’d even met but I told her I’d be there. She sent me her address, told me what time to get there and that was that.

A few hours later, about an hour before I was supposed to get to her house, I got this message: “Hey, I should probably tell you that I have a boyfriend. It’s cool if you don’t want to see me”. What? Did I read that correctly? Is the girl who approached me on a dating site, spent hours talking to me online, and then invited me around to her house, telling me that she’s not single? I sent her a message back telling her I didn’t really understand what was going on. Her explanation was that she’d met the guy a few days earlier (on the same dating site) and they were now together. But she was still inviting me over to her house. Needless to say, I was pretty darn confused. Still, I figured that I had nothing to lose by going and meeting her (especially given that I had no other plans for my Saturday night) so I told her I’d still come around. I also thought that if I met her in person I might be able to ask her exactly what she was looking for on a dating site if she’d already found a boyfriend.

I parked my car on her street and began looking for the house number. It didn’t exist. There was no house bearing that number. I began to think that I was being toyed with, perhaps by a fifteen year-old boy posing as a girl on the net as a practical joke. I dialed her number to make sure. A girl answered (so far so good) and I told her I was looking for her house and it didn’t appear to exist in the physical realm. Apparently, she’d given me the wrong house number by mistake. She gave me the right one (a very different number than the one she’d originally given me) and I walked down the street to her house.

I buzzed at her front gate and she came downstairs to let me in. She took me upstairs where we walked past her parents, neither of whom seemed to see me and neither of them acknowledged me, and we went into her room where we were joined by her two dogs. She sat down on her bed and invited me to do the same. So, we ended up lying on her bed watching TV. We hardly spoke. I wondered why she’d invited me around and I wanted to ask her why she was still using the dating site if she still had a boyfriend. But I didn’t. I just sat there watching TV and then she put on a movie. I asked her a couple of questions in an attempt to initiate some sort of conversation but she didn’t seem to want to talk.

Halfway through the movie she asked if I was hungry and went downstairs to make us dinner. She came back with a couple of plates of pasta and we ate in silence as we watched TV. It wasn’t a tense silence, it sort of felt comfortable in a way, but I was rather perplexed by the situation. I didn't know if she was shy or whether she just preferred the silence. We finished our dinner and the movie ended but we still didn’t really start talking. She had to go out somewhere so I told her I’d get going. But before I did I told her I was a little confused that she asked me over when she had a boyfriend. Her reply was that she’d met the guy a few days earlier, they’d hit it off and they were now going out. She told me she thought I was a nice guy and that she still wanted to meet me. Perhaps it was just me but that didn’t really compute. We’d met on a dating site. She knew I was looking for a girlfriend and not just friendship (as are most users of dating websites). I didn’t say any of that to her, of course, I just politely thanked her for dinner, put on my shoes and headed for the front gate. She then said goodbye, told me she really enjoyed my company and asked me to text her tomorrow.

I left not knowing what just happened. I still don’t know what happened. Why would anyone do that? Can anyone enlighten me?

Difference

I was talking online with a couple of girls from the dating website last night. They are very different people but both have great qualities. One of them is a few years older than I am (although age isn't really a big deal for me) and it seems we have a lot in common. We spent quite a while talking about a lot of different things, including a movie that turned out to be a mutual favourite. And she's also a big Woody Allen fan. Normally I don't mention Woody Allen to most people due to the fact that people either don't know who he is or only know about him because of his personal life and haven't seen any of his movies. Perhaps it's just my generation. I was once telling someone about how much I love Woody Allen movies but the person I was talking to didn't know who he was. Her friend said she knew who I was talking about but I soon realised that she was thinking of Woody Harrelson. Not quite the same thing...

Anyway, the first girl and I have a lot in common. In addition, she also happens to be a writer and she's clearly very intelligent. That's a big plus. I really got a sense of her intelligence just reading her profile but talking to her online made it clear that she is a deep thinker. And she's got a big vocabulary - that's sort of what grabbed my attention to begin with.

The other girl is a few years younger than I am and she's a little more outgoing than I am. But we also have a lot in common. We talked a little about our previous relationships, how we've been hurt in the past and how we've handled it. Not that it was a depressing conversation or anything, it was pretty light-hearted; I suppose the best way to describe it might be that we seem like people who are more similar to one another than we might have initially thought. I think we're going to meet on the weekend so I'll see if we hit it off as well in person. I'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself but I can't help hoping that we click. If we end up meeting tomorrow - and there's a pretty good chance we will - I should have a better idea about my chances tomorrow night.

Update

I have got out of the habit of writing a post at the end of every day. I'll have to make more of an effort to do so in the future.

Just in terms of a bit of an update about my great internet dating experiment: it's actually going really well. I've still only met one person face to face but I've been talking to quite a few really nice girls online and it's doing me the world of good. I feel myself, little by little, becoming more confident. So, even if I don't end up finding someone compatible enough with me to start a relationship, I think the whole experience will be a beneficial one.

That's not to say that I'm now a different person; I still worry about everything and I'm not content with who I am. But, at the same time, I'm starting to think I'm not the hopeless cause I've seen myself as for a long time. And I'm willing to believe that good things might happen to me if I let them. With any luck and some re-training of my brain, soon I'll start believing that I might even deserve some good things coming my way.

Advice

Just breathe. Relax. That's what I've got to keep telling myself. I really don't know why I'm making such a big deal over something that really isn't. The thing is, I'm now anxious about being rejected and being accepted. It's as if it doesn't matter what happens, I won't be happy either way. Talk about a pessimistic attitude.

I'm just going to follow the sage advice I've been offered (via comments posted on this blog by various people - thank you) and not think too much. I don't think I'll ever get better advice than that. After yesterday's post and a rather restless night's sleep I have decided that it's really not worth worrying about. And I should really try to apply that same advice across the board and live my life without constant second-guessing and analysis. I'll let you know how that works out.

Uncertain

My absence of late is due to the fact that I'm very confused and I haven't felt much like writing about it. But I still want to blog regularly and I know that the longer I leave it between posts the harder it will be to keep going and eventually I'll just stop. So here I am. But why am I confused?

Going on the date the other day was good for me, but possibly not how, ahead of time, I thought it would be. Like I said, I think it went well. I've been in contact with the girl since our meeting and it seems there's every chance that we will see each other again. That should be good news and, for the most part, it is good news but there's a part of me becoming increasingly apprehensive about the whole thing. It's got little to do with this girl (she's a really lovely girl) and much more to do with my various insecurities.

I like her and I would like very much to get to know her better; I want for her to be attracted to me. But at the same time I think I also want her to reject me. I know, that doesn't make much sense considering I have spent a lot of time recounting tales of rejection and the depression and self-loathing that usually ensues. The thing is, I think perhaps I'm going to have to deal with my self-esteem issues before I get into a relationship. I have always suspected that those underlying problems weren't just going to disappear without being dealt with but I also thought that there was a chance that, because a lot of my issues relate to feeling undesirable, if someone actually did desire me then it would help me to overcome that.

This shouldn't be like this. How is it that I'm finding things to worry about when I should really just be happy about what's happening? I think I'm worried that: if I let myself get too close to this girl then she'll reject me; it would be unfair for me to get into a relationship with someone until I can resolve all the stuff that's bothering me; and, that if I don't get to the root of what's troubling me now then it's only going to make me feel worse and worse as time goes on. I'm also worried that I shouldn't make any assumptions about whether this girl is interested in a relationship with me and that I should just keep meeting new people and seeing what happens. At the same time, I feel like it would be dishonest if I kept using the website to meet more people because I've met this girl and I'm interested in her. Is that being too presumptuous? Should I assume that she's interested in me and that I shouldn't meet other people? I'd really love some feedback on this so please let me know what you think.

Despite the fact that I'm making a problem where there really shouldn't be one, I'm really glad to be having this experience. It's forcing me to confront things that I would otherwise be avoiding. And, ignoring all the aforementioned worry and doubt, I think it has given me a little more self-confidence and that is something I desperately need.

Date

I mentioned yesterday that I was meeting someone for lunch today. Someone I met on a dating website. Well, we met and got to know each other a little over a coffee and, after losing track of the time, what turned out to be a rather late lunch. I was nervous, as expected, but I think I managed to play it pretty cool (or at least as cool as a geek like me can play it). In fact, all things considered, I think the two of us actually hit it off.

I'm not going to deconstruct the situation - I've already caught myself thinking things like 'when she said ___, does that mean she really thinks ___?' and, realising it's not constructive, I've stopped myself mid-thought - but we did talk for a couple of hours and there weren't too many lulls in the conversation. She also didn't seem in a hurry to leave - I'm pretty sure that's a good sign. Well, at least it's not a bad one.

All in all, today was a pretty good day. I think we'll probably see each other again (I'm definitely interested but I guess it's up to her) but even if we don't I at least had the chance to have lunch with a genuinely lovely girl while managing to avoid becoming overly self-conscious and introverted. Hopefully that means I'm heading in the right direction.

Interaction

Tomorrow, I have a date. At least I think it's a date. I'm meeting a girl from the dating site and we're going to have lunch. I remember that on one of the last (and few) dates I ever went on I actually raised the question of what constitutes a date with the girl I was on the date with. We both decided that we didn't really know what a date was or what signaled when two people officially started 'dating'; I'm not really sure what we decided about whether our meeting was a date or not. The tone of that conversation was lighthearted and we were both joking about it but, in retrospect, it was a really stupid thing for me to bring up. For whatever reason (and I have a few theories as to what the reason was but I won't go into them), whether that meeting was a first date or not it really didn't matter because I never got a second date. I won't be asking for clarification tomorrow.

With that said, I suppose it is pretty safe to assume that tomorrow's meeting is, in fact, a date. For starters, the two of us met on an internet dating site so that's a pretty big clue that we're both interested in dating. Still, I've always found it hard to differentiate between a couple of people getting together, as friends, for a movie or a coffee or something, and two people going on a date. I've never felt comfortable assuming that a girl was spending time with me with a view to starting a relationship so I've always sort of erred on the side of caution and assumed the former. One thing I'd never really considered is this: who cares?! What does it matter what you call it? The difference between the two scenarios I described is pretty much a semantic one. Whether you call it a date or not, if two people spend some time getting to know each other and decide they like each other, they're going to keep seeing each other. Why have I always felt the need to spend time and energy worrying about figuring out a label for the interaction?

I guess I just like to know where I stand, even though it's not always in my best interest to do so. On a date, I put too much emphasis on trying to make a good impression and generally allow my nerves to get the better me, which has pretty much the opposite effect to the one that I intended. I either talk too much or not enough, read too much into what's being said or not being said and I get so wound up that stop acting like myself. The real me is a far more laid-back person (don't laugh, it's true) who is reasonably articulate and likes to see the lighter side of things (no, really). Without the confidence to be that person for fear that I won't be liked, I tend to withdraw into my shell and when I'm inevitably rejected, I use that rejection as a way to reinforce my belief that I'm not likable, thus becoming even more introverted. On paper (or rather, in pixel form) it's obvious that such logic is flawed. Furthermore, on the couple of occasions when I unreservedly put myself out there and was rejected, I shouldn't have taken it so personally.

Putting aside all that intellectualising, I'm approaching tomorrow's meeting very casually and with an open mind. If we hit it off, great; if not, it's no big deal. I just hope I can stay on top of my nerves so that I get a chance to see what she really thinks of me. Nothing ventured...

Tag

Mark has tagged me (thank you); here is what I need to do.

1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

This isn't the book I'm reading right at the moment but one I read a little while ago. I don't read a lot of fiction anymore and this book is one of a few of the biographies I have read in the last year or so. Incidentally, I think all the biographies I've read recently have been about film-makers.

It's Only A Movie - Alfred Hitchcock, A Personal Biography, by Charlotte Chandler (p123):

"I can't believe I was ever that thin."
This was Joan Fontaine's comment on just having seen herself in Rebecca, fifty years after she had starred with Laurence Olivier in the Hitchcock film. We were having dinner at New York City's Le Cirque restaurant with ICM's Milton Goldman, her agent and friend.
"What's your most striking memory of Rebecca?" Goldman asked.
"That's it," she said, "I can't believe I was ever so naive. And so skinny."

Done. One little extra tidbit: for all the great movies Alfred Hitchcock made, despite being nominated for the Best Director Academy Award five times, he never won an Oscar for directing. And only one of his films scored the Best Picture Oscar - Rebecca; that's a film most people probably haven't even heard of, let alone seen.

I seem to recall that all the other bloggers I know (and there aren't that many of them) have already been tagged so I won't tag anyone else. At least, I won't tag anyone else via this blog. But maybe I'll tag a few people as my non-anonymous self...

Default

I mentioned a few days ago that I recently signed myself up for internet dating. After using the dating site for a week or so I'm still not really sure what to make of it. I've had a few people express interest in me and I've expressed interest in a few people so it hasn't been a complete waste of time so far. I've exchanged e-mail addresses with a couple of people and we've chatted a little on msn but after seemingly hitting it off the communication has stopped suddenly. With no explanation. It wouldn't bother me so much if it had just happened once. Or maybe even twice. But it's happened three times with three different people.

The pessimist in me (which, I will concede, is a big part of me) explains this quite simply: I'm unattractive. On my profile I have posted a picture of me at my cousin's wedding, all dressed up in a suit and tie. I don't look too bad; one girl even commented that she thought I was good-looking. But I don't agree. And it makes sense to me that while people might see my profile picture and initially be interested, once they find me on Facebook and have a look at a few more pictures they change their mind.

I know this opens a whole psychological can of worms about my self-esteem and self-image but I don't really want to address that right now. But I will say that the above thought-process is representative of the way my brain has worked for at least the last decade or so.

What can I do about that? Is it just in my head; is it just a coincidence? Or could I possibly be perceiving things correctly? And if that really is what's happening, what should I do to stop it from happening? I know not everyone is shallow and superficial but I think a lot of my shyness and feelings of inadequacy stem from the belief that I'm unattractive and that belief is reinforced, rightly or wrongly, almost by default when I am rejected or ignored by someone. On the odd occasion when someone does tell me they think I'm attractive, I somehow find a way to receive it as an insult. Don't ask me how. Usually I just tell myself the person who complimented me was simply being polite and didn't really mean what they said. Or that they were being sarcastic. However it happens, I find a way to explain away whatever has been said; I don't take compliments very well - about my appearance or anything else. What I don't grasp is why I do that.

On re-reading tonight's post, I think I've answered my own question: a lot of this stuff does indeed seem to be in my own head.

Forgetful

I just turned the computer on, logged in to Blogger, got distracted and began looking at other people's blogs and then almost turned the computer off, completely forgetting that the reason I turned it on in the first place was to post on my own blog.

Nothing too deep to talk about tonight, just that I'm still not sure about the internet dating thing. I've sent a couple of e-mails and expressed interest in a couple of people but I'm not really sure what to make of it yet. I have no idea how, if I'm given the opportunity, I'm going to handle actually meeting someone in person. It's not too difficult to send someone an e-mail because you are practically in complete control of the situation. But meeting face to face means butterflies and sweaty palms and all that other stuff that gets in the way of making a good impression. I think I'm almost glad I don't have to worry about that just yet.

Reverse

Here's something not so downbeat. For a change.

I've been thinking about the story of Samson recently. That's not because I'm particularly religious - I basically consider myself an agnostic (at least most of the time) - but because of a song called Samson, by Regina Spektor. I'd never heard of Regina Spektor until a couple of months ago, when she featured on a mix CD one of my friends made for Christmas. It wasn't a CD of Christmas music, just a CD featuring some of my friend's favourite music of 2007, and he gave it to people along with their Christmas presents. I liked the song, listened to it lots, and it got me thinking.

Most people are probably familiar with Samson but for those who aren't, to cut a long story short, Samson was tremendously strong but his strength was dependent on him not cutting his hair. When his lover, Delilah, cut his long locks short he lost all his superhuman strength. Indulge me a minute while I explain why I brought this up.

I have long hair. Or at least I did have until about twelve hours ago. It wasn't extraordinary long but it was just past my shoulders and I suppose, for a guy, that's pretty long. I've been growing it (like I could stop if I wanted to...) for about the last two years. For a while, I think it suited me but over the last couple of months I began to think otherwise. And I also started to see it as representative of my current state of mind. I've read that both hair and fingernails are somewhat of a timeline in that they both display information about what was going on in your body at a specific time. For instance, if you use certain drugs or are deficient in vitamins or minerals, this will be evident when your hair and fingernails are examined. The longer your hair and nails, the longer the record.

In a similar yet non-scientific way I've been thinking about my hair as a record of my emotions over the last few years - a reminder of mistakes and regrets. I had long hair when I met the Canadian girl I spoke about in my post, Attraction, and I think I have been hesitant to cut it because of the fact that she seemed to like it. I think it made me feel connected to her in some small way. That and her current boyfriend is a dreadlocked musician who doesn't play by the rules. Perhaps, on one level at least, I've been thinking that if I cut my hair I'd lose, for want of a better term, my edge and just be a boring geek who'd never get the girl. I think that sort of reasoning is the hallmark of someone losing touch with reality. It's those type of thoughts that are feeding my current stagnation.

Beyond the obvious superficial change, I'm want to see the change as symbolic; it's the perfect opportunity to decide to relinquish the years of emotional baggage I've been carrying around and make a fresh start. Samson lost his power when his lover cut his hair; I'm hoping that cutting my hair will unburden me of the past and allow me to be more confident, find some strength, and find a girlfriend. Reading that back, it sounds a little out-there. All I'm trying to do is manufacture a fresh start for myself. However I convince myself I've got one really doesn't matter to me.

Clarification

As a bit of a postscript to what I wrote yesterday, I just wanted to say that I didn't mean to sound so whiny. I realise I have a negative attitude and quite a pervasively pessimistic one at that but I often forget I'm seeing things from such a distorted perspective. I don't want people to think I believe I'm a victim and I believe the world owes me a favour because that's not what think at all. I was talking with someone about this very subject a few days ago. There are a lot of people who do behave that way, with a chip on their shoulder because they feel they've got a raw deal in life; the belief that the world somehow owes them is used to justify behaving like a spoiled child. I'm sure most people know at least one or two people like this.

I just don't want to come across as one of those people. I don't think I've been hard done by and I don't think the world owes me a favour. I do, however, feel a sense of disconnection (there's that word again) that I find hard to explain. It's like I'm broken beyond repair; even though I know I need to do it, I feel like I'm powerless to improve myself. It seems pointless to try and for that reason I don't try - it's like nothing I do matters. I've taken to looking for distractions, for anything that will momentarily take my mind off what seems an impossible situation. But it's getting harder and harder to remain distracted.

This morning I spoke with a friend over the phone. She's known me for a long time and understands that I feel stuck. I don't really let on exactly how stuck I feel - I usually make light of the situation because I don't want to burden her or anyone else with what I'm feeling - but she knows I'm not happy. We talked for quite a while and I hung up the phone feeling pretty good about things. That meant today wasn't completely wasted as it motivated me to do something constructive. Hopefully I can build on that tomorrow.

Potential

Maybe I'm too stuck in the past. I try not to be but I'm constantly thinking about what was and what could have been. I think it's really starting to hold me back. I struggle to figure out my place in the world. I know, it's not like I'm alone in that regard but I'm not just hampered by my lack of direction - beyond just feeling completely aimless, I feel almost completely useless. I've basically decided that I'm incapable of doing anything at all. I feel guilty about that. My life started out with such promise.

In some ways I wish I was back at school. I tell myself that I was happier then. I don't know if that's true - certainly in high school I was no more comfortable in my own skin than I am now - but I felt like the world made sense to me at that time in my life and I felt like I knew my place in that world.

I did well at school. In high school I was involved in the student council, I was actively involved in organising a lot of extra-curricular activities, I played lots of sports, and I got along pretty well with just about everybody, students and teachers alike. I was a good student and I graduated in the top three percent of my home state. My grades were high enough that I was accepted into a very competitive and highly-regarded course at a good university. I should have been proud of myself and really happy with my achievements, but I wasn't.

I felt like a fraud. I convinced myself I didn't belong there and that I was really just some stupid person who had somehow managed to fool people into thinking I was smart. Just like that I disregarded who I was and what I was working towards. It was irrational but it made sense to me at the time. Although I didn't quit - I rarely, if ever, let myself quit anything even if I hate it; I'm not sure if that's because of determination or whether I just like to make myself suffer sometimes - I felt like I had no place there. I switched a couple of classes but completed the semester, feeling rather emotionally drained by the end of it. Nothing could convince me I wasn't a failure, not even the good grades I got at the end of the semester (again, rather irrational), so I ended up deferring my studies and getting a job. I ultimately decided to change courses and change schools and recommenced my studies at the beginning of the following year.

Though I still didn't have any confidence in myself, I felt I needed to get a university degree so I completed the course and got my ultimately meaningless piece of paper. That gave me neither a sense of satisfaction or worth nor did it change my opinion of myself. I was still a failure. I went back to full-time work, worked hard for a couple of years, albeit in a job that wasn't particularly intellectually demanding, before deciding that I needed a holiday. I've been traveling, on and off, ever since.

But, after an extended break from having a steady job, I no longer feel capable of doing anything. I would like to possibly continue my studies but don't have any confidence in my ability to do so. And I have got to a point where I consider myself incapable of getting a job. I keep coming back to the idea that I feel disconnected from the world and can't find my place but I think I've convinced myself I don't have a place. I'm stuck.

I feel guilty that I didn't make something of myself even though I had every opportunity to. And that I didn't is just another of my innumerable flaws.

Dating

Just a really short post tonight. I just got back from catching up with a friend I haven't seen in a while. She has recently come out of a long-term relationship and is now single. As you already know, it's fair to say that I am what one might consider 'long-term single'. We got to talking about dating and my friend convinced me to sign up to an internet dating website. So I did. And now I'm starting to wonder whether I should have...

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If you've recently left a comment, I'll get back to you when I have a little more time. Sorry for the delay.

Return

I'm back home after a week away. I was hoping that I'd come home with a clear head (or at least one clearer than it was when I left) and I think I have done so. While I didn't have a great moment of inspired vision and clarity, I did spend some time thinking about things somewhat more objectively than I usually do. That in itself is a big step for me.

Here are a few pictures I took while I was away. They're not exactly photos of me standing in front of the Harbour Bridge or the Opera House but that could have something to do with the fact that I haven't been to Sydney in months. And that I'm not planning on putting a face to my (pseudo) name anytime soon.