Uncertain

My absence of late is due to the fact that I'm very confused and I haven't felt much like writing about it. But I still want to blog regularly and I know that the longer I leave it between posts the harder it will be to keep going and eventually I'll just stop. So here I am. But why am I confused?

Going on the date the other day was good for me, but possibly not how, ahead of time, I thought it would be. Like I said, I think it went well. I've been in contact with the girl since our meeting and it seems there's every chance that we will see each other again. That should be good news and, for the most part, it is good news but there's a part of me becoming increasingly apprehensive about the whole thing. It's got little to do with this girl (she's a really lovely girl) and much more to do with my various insecurities.

I like her and I would like very much to get to know her better; I want for her to be attracted to me. But at the same time I think I also want her to reject me. I know, that doesn't make much sense considering I have spent a lot of time recounting tales of rejection and the depression and self-loathing that usually ensues. The thing is, I think perhaps I'm going to have to deal with my self-esteem issues before I get into a relationship. I have always suspected that those underlying problems weren't just going to disappear without being dealt with but I also thought that there was a chance that, because a lot of my issues relate to feeling undesirable, if someone actually did desire me then it would help me to overcome that.

This shouldn't be like this. How is it that I'm finding things to worry about when I should really just be happy about what's happening? I think I'm worried that: if I let myself get too close to this girl then she'll reject me; it would be unfair for me to get into a relationship with someone until I can resolve all the stuff that's bothering me; and, that if I don't get to the root of what's troubling me now then it's only going to make me feel worse and worse as time goes on. I'm also worried that I shouldn't make any assumptions about whether this girl is interested in a relationship with me and that I should just keep meeting new people and seeing what happens. At the same time, I feel like it would be dishonest if I kept using the website to meet more people because I've met this girl and I'm interested in her. Is that being too presumptuous? Should I assume that she's interested in me and that I shouldn't meet other people? I'd really love some feedback on this so please let me know what you think.

Despite the fact that I'm making a problem where there really shouldn't be one, I'm really glad to be having this experience. It's forcing me to confront things that I would otherwise be avoiding. And, ignoring all the aforementioned worry and doubt, I think it has given me a little more self-confidence and that is something I desperately need.