Reverse

Here's something not so downbeat. For a change.

I've been thinking about the story of Samson recently. That's not because I'm particularly religious - I basically consider myself an agnostic (at least most of the time) - but because of a song called Samson, by Regina Spektor. I'd never heard of Regina Spektor until a couple of months ago, when she featured on a mix CD one of my friends made for Christmas. It wasn't a CD of Christmas music, just a CD featuring some of my friend's favourite music of 2007, and he gave it to people along with their Christmas presents. I liked the song, listened to it lots, and it got me thinking.

Most people are probably familiar with Samson but for those who aren't, to cut a long story short, Samson was tremendously strong but his strength was dependent on him not cutting his hair. When his lover, Delilah, cut his long locks short he lost all his superhuman strength. Indulge me a minute while I explain why I brought this up.

I have long hair. Or at least I did have until about twelve hours ago. It wasn't extraordinary long but it was just past my shoulders and I suppose, for a guy, that's pretty long. I've been growing it (like I could stop if I wanted to...) for about the last two years. For a while, I think it suited me but over the last couple of months I began to think otherwise. And I also started to see it as representative of my current state of mind. I've read that both hair and fingernails are somewhat of a timeline in that they both display information about what was going on in your body at a specific time. For instance, if you use certain drugs or are deficient in vitamins or minerals, this will be evident when your hair and fingernails are examined. The longer your hair and nails, the longer the record.

In a similar yet non-scientific way I've been thinking about my hair as a record of my emotions over the last few years - a reminder of mistakes and regrets. I had long hair when I met the Canadian girl I spoke about in my post, Attraction, and I think I have been hesitant to cut it because of the fact that she seemed to like it. I think it made me feel connected to her in some small way. That and her current boyfriend is a dreadlocked musician who doesn't play by the rules. Perhaps, on one level at least, I've been thinking that if I cut my hair I'd lose, for want of a better term, my edge and just be a boring geek who'd never get the girl. I think that sort of reasoning is the hallmark of someone losing touch with reality. It's those type of thoughts that are feeding my current stagnation.

Beyond the obvious superficial change, I'm want to see the change as symbolic; it's the perfect opportunity to decide to relinquish the years of emotional baggage I've been carrying around and make a fresh start. Samson lost his power when his lover cut his hair; I'm hoping that cutting my hair will unburden me of the past and allow me to be more confident, find some strength, and find a girlfriend. Reading that back, it sounds a little out-there. All I'm trying to do is manufacture a fresh start for myself. However I convince myself I've got one really doesn't matter to me.