Interaction

Tomorrow, I have a date. At least I think it's a date. I'm meeting a girl from the dating site and we're going to have lunch. I remember that on one of the last (and few) dates I ever went on I actually raised the question of what constitutes a date with the girl I was on the date with. We both decided that we didn't really know what a date was or what signaled when two people officially started 'dating'; I'm not really sure what we decided about whether our meeting was a date or not. The tone of that conversation was lighthearted and we were both joking about it but, in retrospect, it was a really stupid thing for me to bring up. For whatever reason (and I have a few theories as to what the reason was but I won't go into them), whether that meeting was a first date or not it really didn't matter because I never got a second date. I won't be asking for clarification tomorrow.

With that said, I suppose it is pretty safe to assume that tomorrow's meeting is, in fact, a date. For starters, the two of us met on an internet dating site so that's a pretty big clue that we're both interested in dating. Still, I've always found it hard to differentiate between a couple of people getting together, as friends, for a movie or a coffee or something, and two people going on a date. I've never felt comfortable assuming that a girl was spending time with me with a view to starting a relationship so I've always sort of erred on the side of caution and assumed the former. One thing I'd never really considered is this: who cares?! What does it matter what you call it? The difference between the two scenarios I described is pretty much a semantic one. Whether you call it a date or not, if two people spend some time getting to know each other and decide they like each other, they're going to keep seeing each other. Why have I always felt the need to spend time and energy worrying about figuring out a label for the interaction?

I guess I just like to know where I stand, even though it's not always in my best interest to do so. On a date, I put too much emphasis on trying to make a good impression and generally allow my nerves to get the better me, which has pretty much the opposite effect to the one that I intended. I either talk too much or not enough, read too much into what's being said or not being said and I get so wound up that stop acting like myself. The real me is a far more laid-back person (don't laugh, it's true) who is reasonably articulate and likes to see the lighter side of things (no, really). Without the confidence to be that person for fear that I won't be liked, I tend to withdraw into my shell and when I'm inevitably rejected, I use that rejection as a way to reinforce my belief that I'm not likable, thus becoming even more introverted. On paper (or rather, in pixel form) it's obvious that such logic is flawed. Furthermore, on the couple of occasions when I unreservedly put myself out there and was rejected, I shouldn't have taken it so personally.

Putting aside all that intellectualising, I'm approaching tomorrow's meeting very casually and with an open mind. If we hit it off, great; if not, it's no big deal. I just hope I can stay on top of my nerves so that I get a chance to see what she really thinks of me. Nothing ventured...