I didn't leave the house at all today. Nor did I go anywhere yesterday, for that matter. I can probably put staying home yesterday down to the rain - it rained most of the day and night - but I had no excuse today. I just couldn't be bothered.
I don't go out very often but on the rare occasions when I do I usually have a good time. Dinner with friends is always fun as we've know each other so long we can reminisce and retell embarrassing stories about one another for hours. I'm lucky to know so many great people.
Last year and this year are what you could call transitional years. Not so much for me as I'm not really actively transitioning - I seem to be good at staying perfectly still for extended periods - but a substantial number of my friends have either moved away or are about to. I suppose it's inevitable really; people grow up and move away. And yet I seem to be resisting that. I am not building a life for myself, I'm just watching other people build their lives. I feel oddly disconnected from the world and I don't really understand why.
One of my biggest problems is that I expect too much of myself. Ironically, those high expectations are the reason I have become so stagnant. I've always underrated everything I've ever done. Nothing I've ever done has been good enough for me. I've never met my own lofty expectations. I've never allowed myself to feel proud of anything I have ever achieved and I don't know why that is. I did well at school and went on to study at university but have always felt, despite my modest academic success, that I am worthless. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a failure. And so I no longer bother to try. In those terms it seems both incredibly simple and incredibly stupid but that's what's holding me back. I have no confidence and no ambition. I seem to just be quietly passing the time.
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I got your message about it being hard to find the motivation to make changes in life. I agree - it can be hard to get motivated. For times like that - I rely on the knowledge that I'm right where I need to be. Sometimes it takes being stuck in unmotivated, in order to make the decision to get unstuck.
As for the saying of "Nice guys finish last". Each time I hear that, I can't help thinking - don't focus on them finishing last. Focus on them finishing. Someone will be lucky to find you, when you are ready to be found.
If you like to read - there's a pretty neat book titled "The Knight in Rusty Armor". It's a cheap and easy read - packed full of insights about removing the walls (or armor) that some men hide behind.
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