A Different Approach

I was at a barbecue today, thinking that all I ever seem to do is play tennis and go to barbecues. I still haven't done any writing, despite wanting to. Or at least thinking I want to. This week I will do it - I'll make myself do it and accept no excuses.

I got a comment from Kylie yesterday, talking about how my friend's suggested approach for talking to the girl seemed a little much. She suggested being a little more casual about it and slowly building a rapport by making small talk a few times. In theory, I agree. Being too direct could scare someone off. Strangely enough, it scares me more to think about just making small talk. I'd be less afraid to just ask her out. That's a little weird, right? How can it be harder to make small talk? I don't know why but I feel like I have more to lose doing things that way. It's almost as if I'm expecting to fail and want to get it over and done with more quickly. Spending time trying to get to know someone feels like it would be time wasted and just a way of falsely getting my hopes up.

Maybe I don't think I can take any more rejection. It's not much fun. But how am I going to break the cycle if I don't try? I feel like anyone who would agree to go out with me would only do so out of pity; like they'd be doing me a favour. I just can't believe that I'm desirable, on any level.

I remember asking someone out about five years ago. It was someone I'd gone to school with and had stayed in semi-regular contact with after we graduated. A mutual friend told me that, unbeknown to me, she had been interested in me for a few years. I called her up and we went out for a cup of coffee. Incidentally, this isn't the story I alluded to yesterday, where I, according to a friend, behaved so pathetically I disgraced all mankind, but this isn't much better and I would probably do things differently if I had the opportunity. Come to think of it, I could probably write a (humorous?) book about how not to ask girls out. I've figured out quite a few of the wrong ways to do it.

Anyway, we met for coffee. I hadn't been having a great year and was struggling to figure out where my life was headed. I was pretty depressed. So I told her that. It was a really stupid thing to do but it felt right at the time. I told her that I'd liked her for a while and that I wanted to go out with her but I thought it was only fair to her to let her know I was going through an emotional rough patch at that time. How dumb can I be? I mean, really? Looking back, it's quite obvious that I was subconsciously trying to sabotage myself. What astounds me is that I didn't consciously realise it at the time. I'm happy to say that I haven't repeated that mistake - I realised that moroseness isn't something most people find endearing. But I do think I've probably been the victim of self-sabotage on numerous occasions. And that begs the question, is it that I only think I'm going to fail or do I really want myself to fail? If I continue to undermine myself the way I have done in the past I'm probably always going to.