Luck

After reflecting on last night’s post, I feel as though I wasn’t as clear (or concise) as I could have been. I said that my friend has not beaten me in a tennis match over the five-or-so months we’ve been playing and yet, every time we play, I struggle to believe that I am capable of winning. That may not seem to make a lot of sense but it is part of a point I intended to make but never actually got around to articulating. Allow me to elaborate.

Lack of self-belief is a big thing for me. I always doubt my ability to do anything. I made that point yesterday but what I didn’t really explain is that even when it’s clear that I can do something – as proven by the fact that I have done it in the past – I have an uncanny ability to write-off my previous achievements and tell myself that they prove nothing. It’s far easier for me to say that any success I had in the past was simply a result of good luck and nothing I can take credit for. Using this logic (if you can call it that) I have explained away practically everything I’ve ever succeeded at as just good fortune that had little to do with me. My successes, therefore, become more like failures because I see them as undeserved; I feel as if I didn’t earn them and can’t take credit for them. In this way, success becomes an unattainable ideal.

I don’t have a problem taking responsibility for things but I’m uncomfortable taking credit for success. I am much more comfortable taking the blame for failure. Often I’ll take the blame for things that weren’t really my fault. What a peculiar way to approach life. No wonder I’ve become so withdrawn and lacking in ambition; in my mind I pretty much fail everything before I even start.

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On another subject, please don't take offense if you leave a comment and I don't get back to you. It's just that I'm currently struggling with a very slow dial-up connection while I'm staying at someone else's house. I'm typing my posts in Word and then just cutting and pasting them into blogger because it's nearly impossible for me to open web pages at the moment. As soon as I get back to my broadband connection I'll respond to any comments. Thanks.