The Game

Last year I read a book that I was sure would change my life. I'd like to be able to say that it was something like Plato's Republic - a book I tried to read in my late teens and didn't get past the first hundred pages - or Henry David Thoreau's Walden. This book wasn't like those books but it was thought-provoking.

I find it hard to meet people. I'm shy in social situations and it's really quite difficult for me to just walk up to someone I don't know and introduce myself. I see people do it at parties and wish I had that ability. I don't know why but it's inconceivable that I would ever approach a girl I didn't know. It's something I struggle with because, if I can't introduce myself to people I don't know then how can I meet new people?

I don't know how many times I've been at a party, seen some girl I've thought was really beautiful but not been able to muster the courage to walk ten paces across the room and say something. I don't mean trying to use a pick-up line, I mean saying something simple like 'hi'. I know I'm not a confident person but in those situations it's more than that, it's like I've come to believe that one of the unwritten laws of the universe is that I am never allowed to speak to any woman I'm attracted to. Consequently, my level of self-confidence is inversely proportional to how attracted I am to said female; the more I like her, the less confidence I have (and remember, I'm not starting with a heck of a lot). I thought it might just be an awkward teenage phase that I'd grow out of as I moved into my twenties but, more than halfway through that decade of my life I find myself in much the same position - wondering how other people do it and why I can't. How did my friends meet their current partners? Was there some big secret I wasn't aware of? Turns out there was.

That brings me back to the book I was sure would reverse my fortune: The Game, by Neil Strauss. I was certain it would turn me from the guy you see nervously nursing a glass of lemonade alone in the corner at a party into someone who could, at the very least, make eye-contact with and have a conversation with a woman I'm attracted to.

Neil was a free-lance journalist for Rolling Stone who, after hearing about men who became known in some internet circles as master pick-up artists, became interested in the techniques these men used to get women to notice them. After only a few months of research he not only became one of these men, he became regarded by many within that underground community as the best pick-up artist around. When he begins his story he basically has no self-confidence, describes himself as not particularly attractive, and he can't talk to a woman to save his life. The transformation he makes in the space of a few months is incredible. The book isn't so much a how-to guide but more of a memoir and as such it is a fascinating read. There is, however, much that can be learned by reading about his various and extensive experience picking up women, and he does reveal a few tips along the way.

In short, he talks about how he learned to approach women without fear and, using the skills he learned from the pick-up artists he befriended, he found that talking to women was not a difficult exercise - once he knew how to do it, it became easy. The techniques Neil used basically reduced the whole process to a formula; he describes ways to get a girl's attention and make her interested in you, not the other way around. That was a very interesting notion. That's why I read the book.

It was never my goal to become as adept a pick-up artist as Neil Strauss became. I didn't want to date hundreds of women, I just wanted to be able to talk to a woman I was attracted to. I wanted to overcome the fear that had been holding me back for years. And I still do. Reading that book, while it was a very entertaining read with some good tips on talking to women, didn't change my life. It was never going to. No book ever would or could. For me to change I would really have to work at it and I haven't done that yet. For years I have indulged myself in self-pity and just accepted that by not talking to girls I was attracted to I was saving myself from what would inevitably be painful rejection. Living that way is the easy way out and ultimately not very fulfilling. Reading that book had initially made me think that change was possible but it didn't change my mind about who I believed I was. I thought that, even armed with a few techniques and a little inside information, I would still fail. So I never really tried. That's why on a Friday night I find myself at home writing a blog entry about not being able to meet people instead of going out and actually trying to meet people.

But all is not lost. I haven't completely given up on myself. I'm going to make an effort to be more outgoing this year. And I'm going to try to keep an open mind. If I want to stop being a failure then I need to stop seeing myself as one. At least I've learned that much.