Talk

I am all talk. And, quite ironically, that is evidenced by the fact that I haven't been talking at all. I keep saying that I want to post on this blog but then I leave it weeks between posts and almost never even log in to my account.

My sincere apologies for not complying with Kylie's polite request to write a post for her to read on her birthday. I am sorry. Hopefully, even though this one is a day late (I haven't checked my account for at least a week so I just got the request now) it will be acceptable.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLIE!!!

Perhaps it's even more strange that I haven't been posting on this blog over the past few weeks since I've actually been doing things worthy of posting about. When I was just sitting at home and moping around I would write long e-mails about this or that but never actually get out into the world and do anything. Over the past two weeks or so I really have been trying to live a little.

I have had some success with the internet dating. I've met a few really nice girls (and that one strange one with the boyfriend) and I'm just seeing what happens. At the very least I think I've made a few new friends. But the best thing to come out of the whole experience is that I now have a little more confidence when talking to girls. Not a great deal but more than I used to have. And I'm also getting a few compliments about how I'm a nice guy and a few of the girls were surprised I didn't have a girlfriend and that I've been single for so long - so that was nice to hear. It sure beats what I've been telling myself for the past few years.

I am also starting to sort my life out in terms of making plans for the rest of the year and beyond. I am taking one more overseas trip - it's happening within the next few weeks and I'll be away for a few months - before I start settling down. Soon I'll be back in the USA for another northern summer of camp fun. That's not Village People-style camp fun, but another couple of months of working in a summer camp. When I get back home I'm going to try to motivate myself to stay busy and I plan to go back to university next year. It's not set in stone just yet but it is a plan and I haven't had one of those for a while.

Over the next few days and weeks I'll try to write about some of my dating stories. None of them are terribly exciting but it's been great for me to get out there and meet some new people. And it's probably more interesting than hearing me whinge about being alone and miserable.

Absent

For the last couple of weeks I haven't really felt like blogging. I never actually intended to take such an extended break but I found myself being consistently unwilling to write a post. I just wanted to write a quick post to say that I am still here and I intend to continue posting regularly on this blog.

Confusion

Okay, what? That was pretty much my reaction to a text message I received yesterday afternoon. I don’t like that I keep blogging about internet dating – this post being no exception – but what happened to me yesterday was strange enough that it warrants a mention.

I’d been talking to a couple of girls online a few days ago. One was older and a writer, the other was younger and sounded like more outgoing. Both seemed nice. I haven’t spoken to the former since that night but I have spoken to the latter. She seemed pretty interested in me, asking for my phone number and giving me hers. I sent her a text message the next day asking her if she’d meet me for coffee somewhere. Her reply came back that she didn’t want to have coffee; instead, she invited me over to her place to watch some TV and a movie. I was a little surprised that she’d invite me back to her house before we’d even met but I told her I’d be there. She sent me her address, told me what time to get there and that was that.

A few hours later, about an hour before I was supposed to get to her house, I got this message: “Hey, I should probably tell you that I have a boyfriend. It’s cool if you don’t want to see me”. What? Did I read that correctly? Is the girl who approached me on a dating site, spent hours talking to me online, and then invited me around to her house, telling me that she’s not single? I sent her a message back telling her I didn’t really understand what was going on. Her explanation was that she’d met the guy a few days earlier (on the same dating site) and they were now together. But she was still inviting me over to her house. Needless to say, I was pretty darn confused. Still, I figured that I had nothing to lose by going and meeting her (especially given that I had no other plans for my Saturday night) so I told her I’d still come around. I also thought that if I met her in person I might be able to ask her exactly what she was looking for on a dating site if she’d already found a boyfriend.

I parked my car on her street and began looking for the house number. It didn’t exist. There was no house bearing that number. I began to think that I was being toyed with, perhaps by a fifteen year-old boy posing as a girl on the net as a practical joke. I dialed her number to make sure. A girl answered (so far so good) and I told her I was looking for her house and it didn’t appear to exist in the physical realm. Apparently, she’d given me the wrong house number by mistake. She gave me the right one (a very different number than the one she’d originally given me) and I walked down the street to her house.

I buzzed at her front gate and she came downstairs to let me in. She took me upstairs where we walked past her parents, neither of whom seemed to see me and neither of them acknowledged me, and we went into her room where we were joined by her two dogs. She sat down on her bed and invited me to do the same. So, we ended up lying on her bed watching TV. We hardly spoke. I wondered why she’d invited me around and I wanted to ask her why she was still using the dating site if she still had a boyfriend. But I didn’t. I just sat there watching TV and then she put on a movie. I asked her a couple of questions in an attempt to initiate some sort of conversation but she didn’t seem to want to talk.

Halfway through the movie she asked if I was hungry and went downstairs to make us dinner. She came back with a couple of plates of pasta and we ate in silence as we watched TV. It wasn’t a tense silence, it sort of felt comfortable in a way, but I was rather perplexed by the situation. I didn't know if she was shy or whether she just preferred the silence. We finished our dinner and the movie ended but we still didn’t really start talking. She had to go out somewhere so I told her I’d get going. But before I did I told her I was a little confused that she asked me over when she had a boyfriend. Her reply was that she’d met the guy a few days earlier, they’d hit it off and they were now going out. She told me she thought I was a nice guy and that she still wanted to meet me. Perhaps it was just me but that didn’t really compute. We’d met on a dating site. She knew I was looking for a girlfriend and not just friendship (as are most users of dating websites). I didn’t say any of that to her, of course, I just politely thanked her for dinner, put on my shoes and headed for the front gate. She then said goodbye, told me she really enjoyed my company and asked me to text her tomorrow.

I left not knowing what just happened. I still don’t know what happened. Why would anyone do that? Can anyone enlighten me?

Difference

I was talking online with a couple of girls from the dating website last night. They are very different people but both have great qualities. One of them is a few years older than I am (although age isn't really a big deal for me) and it seems we have a lot in common. We spent quite a while talking about a lot of different things, including a movie that turned out to be a mutual favourite. And she's also a big Woody Allen fan. Normally I don't mention Woody Allen to most people due to the fact that people either don't know who he is or only know about him because of his personal life and haven't seen any of his movies. Perhaps it's just my generation. I was once telling someone about how much I love Woody Allen movies but the person I was talking to didn't know who he was. Her friend said she knew who I was talking about but I soon realised that she was thinking of Woody Harrelson. Not quite the same thing...

Anyway, the first girl and I have a lot in common. In addition, she also happens to be a writer and she's clearly very intelligent. That's a big plus. I really got a sense of her intelligence just reading her profile but talking to her online made it clear that she is a deep thinker. And she's got a big vocabulary - that's sort of what grabbed my attention to begin with.

The other girl is a few years younger than I am and she's a little more outgoing than I am. But we also have a lot in common. We talked a little about our previous relationships, how we've been hurt in the past and how we've handled it. Not that it was a depressing conversation or anything, it was pretty light-hearted; I suppose the best way to describe it might be that we seem like people who are more similar to one another than we might have initially thought. I think we're going to meet on the weekend so I'll see if we hit it off as well in person. I'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself but I can't help hoping that we click. If we end up meeting tomorrow - and there's a pretty good chance we will - I should have a better idea about my chances tomorrow night.

Update

I have got out of the habit of writing a post at the end of every day. I'll have to make more of an effort to do so in the future.

Just in terms of a bit of an update about my great internet dating experiment: it's actually going really well. I've still only met one person face to face but I've been talking to quite a few really nice girls online and it's doing me the world of good. I feel myself, little by little, becoming more confident. So, even if I don't end up finding someone compatible enough with me to start a relationship, I think the whole experience will be a beneficial one.

That's not to say that I'm now a different person; I still worry about everything and I'm not content with who I am. But, at the same time, I'm starting to think I'm not the hopeless cause I've seen myself as for a long time. And I'm willing to believe that good things might happen to me if I let them. With any luck and some re-training of my brain, soon I'll start believing that I might even deserve some good things coming my way.

Advice

Just breathe. Relax. That's what I've got to keep telling myself. I really don't know why I'm making such a big deal over something that really isn't. The thing is, I'm now anxious about being rejected and being accepted. It's as if it doesn't matter what happens, I won't be happy either way. Talk about a pessimistic attitude.

I'm just going to follow the sage advice I've been offered (via comments posted on this blog by various people - thank you) and not think too much. I don't think I'll ever get better advice than that. After yesterday's post and a rather restless night's sleep I have decided that it's really not worth worrying about. And I should really try to apply that same advice across the board and live my life without constant second-guessing and analysis. I'll let you know how that works out.

Uncertain

My absence of late is due to the fact that I'm very confused and I haven't felt much like writing about it. But I still want to blog regularly and I know that the longer I leave it between posts the harder it will be to keep going and eventually I'll just stop. So here I am. But why am I confused?

Going on the date the other day was good for me, but possibly not how, ahead of time, I thought it would be. Like I said, I think it went well. I've been in contact with the girl since our meeting and it seems there's every chance that we will see each other again. That should be good news and, for the most part, it is good news but there's a part of me becoming increasingly apprehensive about the whole thing. It's got little to do with this girl (she's a really lovely girl) and much more to do with my various insecurities.

I like her and I would like very much to get to know her better; I want for her to be attracted to me. But at the same time I think I also want her to reject me. I know, that doesn't make much sense considering I have spent a lot of time recounting tales of rejection and the depression and self-loathing that usually ensues. The thing is, I think perhaps I'm going to have to deal with my self-esteem issues before I get into a relationship. I have always suspected that those underlying problems weren't just going to disappear without being dealt with but I also thought that there was a chance that, because a lot of my issues relate to feeling undesirable, if someone actually did desire me then it would help me to overcome that.

This shouldn't be like this. How is it that I'm finding things to worry about when I should really just be happy about what's happening? I think I'm worried that: if I let myself get too close to this girl then she'll reject me; it would be unfair for me to get into a relationship with someone until I can resolve all the stuff that's bothering me; and, that if I don't get to the root of what's troubling me now then it's only going to make me feel worse and worse as time goes on. I'm also worried that I shouldn't make any assumptions about whether this girl is interested in a relationship with me and that I should just keep meeting new people and seeing what happens. At the same time, I feel like it would be dishonest if I kept using the website to meet more people because I've met this girl and I'm interested in her. Is that being too presumptuous? Should I assume that she's interested in me and that I shouldn't meet other people? I'd really love some feedback on this so please let me know what you think.

Despite the fact that I'm making a problem where there really shouldn't be one, I'm really glad to be having this experience. It's forcing me to confront things that I would otherwise be avoiding. And, ignoring all the aforementioned worry and doubt, I think it has given me a little more self-confidence and that is something I desperately need.